


Command Me to Be Well

by huntressartemis



Series: Avengers Text Verse [4]
Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Some crude humor, Team as Family, Texting, it goes about as well as youd expect, look basically the avengers are trying to figure out what to do about coronavirus, old man protocol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:28:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23201725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huntressartemis/pseuds/huntressartemis
Summary: Sugarplum:why is there an angry captain america banging on the door of the compound?FRIDAY:Because, Colonel, Captain Rogers falls into two of the risk categories for severe illness with the coronavirus: a previous history of severe asthma and age greater than 60.Captain Spangles:I can't even get sick! FRIDAY let me out or I swear to God!In which the coronavirus has broken out and the Avengers are taking their jobsveryseriously, there are a few elderly Avengers who should respect the rules, FRIDAY is a benevolent overlord, and Thor and Loki are giant trolls.
Relationships: Friday & Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team
Series: Avengers Text Verse [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1327301
Comments: 57
Kudos: 513





	Command Me to Be Well

**Author's Note:**

> mmmmkay so this was inspired by pseudostark on tumblr with the post found here: https://pseudostark.tumblr.com/post/612942494571905024
> 
> darkdragonfloof also gave me an idea that was included in the comments of that post!! all creds to them for the inspiration!!!!
> 
> For reference, as always, here is the list of usernames for each of the Avengers:  
> Tony – Iron Dad  
> Peter – Spider Son  
> Bucky – Angry Snowflake  
> Steve – Captain Spangles  
> Thor – Hammer Time  
> Loki – Bag of Cats  
> Clint – Katniss  
> Natasha – Itsy Bitsy  
> Rhodey – Sugarplum  
> Pepper – Miss Potts  
> Shuri – Mini Me  
> T’Challa – Hello Kitty  
> Vision – Grandson  
> Wanda – Scarlet O’Hara  
> Sam – Pigeon  
> Scott – Proof that Size Matters  
> Bruce - Green Bean  
> Stephen - Harry Potter  
> Harley - Tony Jr  
> Nebula - Blue Meanie  
> FRIDAY – FRIDAY the Supreme Overlord
> 
> hope you all enjoy and are staying safe!!

_Thursday, 6:15 p.m._

**Proof that Size Matters** : so uh. what exactly do superheroes do when the thing youre supposed to be fighting is a plague?

 **Katniss:** what are you talking about ant guy

 **Proof that Size Matters:** have you not seen the news? the coronavirus outbreak?

 **Katniss:** what? there's a virus outbreak?

 **Itsy Bitsy:** honestly clint. with the amount of time you spend watching tv you would think at least some of that's educational

 **Katniss:** fuck you nat, the witchers is very educational. i have all kinds of new ideas now.

 **Proof that Size Matters:**...am i the only one who finds that kinda worrying?

 **Angry Snowflake:** dont worry, insect boy, we won't let clint do anything too awful.

 **Proof that Size Matters:** insect boy???? it's ant man, thank you very much!!

 **Pigeon:** hahahaha insect boy

_Pigeon changed Proof that Size Matters to Insect Boy._

**Insect Boy:** shut up, pigeon.

_Friday, 6:34 a.m._

**Sugarplum:** why is there an angry captain america banging on the door of the compound?

 **FRIDAY:** Because, Colonel, Captain Rogers falls into two of the risk categories for severe illness with the coronavirus: a previous history of severe asthma and age greater than 60. Current governmental guidance states that he must be confined to the Compound until the danger has passed.

 **Captain Spangles:** I can't even get sick! FRIDAY let me out or I swear to God!

 **FRIDAY:** Thor is unavailable as he is also being quarantined due to being older than age 60.

 **Hammer Time:** THE IRISH MAIDEN IS CORRECT, I AM INDEED CONFINED TO MY ROOMS.

 **Sugarplum:** jesus christ.

_Spider Son changed FRIDAY to FRIDAY the Supreme Overlord._

**FRIDAY the Supreme Overlord:** Thank you, Peter.

 **Spider Son:** no problem, your supreme overlord-ness!

 **Sugarplum:**...tony put you up to this didn't he

 **FRIDAY the Supreme Overlord:** I can neither confirm nor deny Boss's involvement in my protocols.

 **Katniss:** thats a yes

 **Katniss:** also what are you all doing up at ass o'clock in the morning?

 **Sugarplum:** clint it's nearly 7

 **Katniss:** i meant what i said.

 **Captain Spangles:** Where's Tony? I need to talk to him. Right now.

 **Katniss:** ooooh does he have his angry face on? stark's gonna get it

 **FRIDAY the Supreme Overlord:** Boss is currently in his room sleeping off a science binge that lasted all night with Dr. Banner.

 **Katniss:** if he wasnt so devoted to bucky and i wasnt slightly scared of the winter soldier, i would have sooooo many jokes about that.

 **Captain Spangles:** I'm heading his way.

 **Angry Snowflake:** hey now, don't you go waking tony up, stevie! besides, he's not the only one who came up with this idea :)

 **Captain Spangles:** Seriously? Bucky?

 **Angry Snowflake:** it's damn funny and you know it, punk ;)

 **Captain Spangles:** It's really not, jerk.

 **Bag of Cats:** Lie.

 **Sugarplum:** do you just like. sit around all day and watch your phone waiting for someone to lie?

 **Sugarplum:** or do you have some sort of like godly sense when people are lying?

 **Bag of Cats:** :)

 **Spider Son:** if loki being the god of lies means he has a godly sense of when people are lying, what does that mean for thor being the god of fertility?

 **Sugarplum:** ohhhhhhmygod. ohmygod. oh jesus fuck. peter why

 **Katniss:** you may have just ruined sex forever, spider brat

 **Hammer Time:** YOU MIDGARDIANS ARE MOST AMUSING WITH YOUR BANTER.

 **Sugarplum:** wait no this isn't banter, we really want to know!!!

 **Sugarplum:** thor??

 **FRIDAY the Supreme Overlord:** Mr. Odinson appears to be disinclined to respond at this time, Colonel.

 **Katniss:** welp, im sufficiently grossed out for the morning. anyone else feel like vomiting for the next twenty minutes?

 **Spider Son:** is vomiting one of the symptoms of coronavirus?

 **Captain Spangles:** Can we please get back to where I've been banned from going outside by my best friend, his boyfriend, and a vindictive AI?

 **FRIDAY the Supreme Overlord:** I resent that, Captain Rogers. I am simply looking out for your safety.

 **Captain Spangles:** Riiiiiiiight.

_Friday, 10:13 a.m._

**Iron Dad:** wow this was such a fun read until petey pie hit us with the curveball of doom there

 **Captain Spangles:** Stark! I need to talk to you!

 **Iron Dad:** yes i can see that :)

 **Iron Dad:** good work, fry baby

 **Iron Dad:** my little girl is growing up and becoming as snarky as her old man :')

 **FRIDAY the Supreme Overlord:** Your praise warms my circuits, Father.

 **Iron Dad:** the sass :''')

 **Katniss:** does nobody else find this weird????

 **Sugarplum:** you get used to tonys brand of weird after a while

 **Iron Dad:** excuse u, there is no getting used to my brand of weird. or have you forgotten your whole 'two seals fighting over a grape' crack?

 **Sugarplum:** i stand by that description. that was gross, man.

 **Iron Dad:** exactly my point!! no one grows immune to the tony stark weirdness :D

 **Spider Son:** im not sure that's something to brag about, dad...

 **Iron Dad:** it's all part of my charm

 **Katniss:** this GROUP is so weird

 **Captain Spangles:** Can we get back to the subject at hand? Me not being able to leave the Compound?

 **Iron Dad:** hey that one's not just on me! first of all, it's safety regulations. thor's not allowed to leave either. second of all, bucky was the one who suggested it!!

 **Captain Spangles:** How does that second one help your case at all?

 **Katniss:** yeah that's also confusing, because if cap is confined to the compound because of age, wouldnt bucky be too?

 **Angry Snowflake:** yeah but tony loves me, so he'll let me leave :)

 **Iron Dad:** hmmmmm i dunno, there's something very enticing about you having to be here in my bed all the time, waiting for me ;) ;) ;)

 **Spider Son:** noooooo no no no don't do that, you might summon thor!!!!!

 **Hammer Time:** YOU CALLED FOR ME, MY COMRADES IN ARMS?

 **Spider Son:** oh no

 **Katniss:** wait so sex DOES summon you????

 **Katniss:** thor??????

 **FRIDAY the Supreme Overlord:** Mr. Odinson has elected to dismiss the conversation as he has determined he is not currently needed.

 **Katniss:**...that was a joke, right?

 **Katniss:** you're joking, right friday?

 **Katniss:** friday???

_Monday, 2:22 p.m._

**Iron Dad:** um pete? what the hell are you doing on the news?

 **Spider Son:** school's out cause of this coronavirus stuff!! so now i can protect the city all day!!

 **Iron Dad:** ooooookay, follow up question: why did you yell "social distancing, stay back, jerkface" at the guy who tried to steal that lady's purse and web him up at a distance?

 **Spider Son:** because he was being a jerkface!!!

 **Iron Dad:**...that was not at all my point.

 **Spider Son:** well, he was!!! stealing that lady's purse is mean!!! AND he got all up in her space about it!!! we're trying to prevent a plague here!!!

 **Iron Dad:** jesus christ.

_Monday, 4:28 p.m._

**Green Bean:** Why are people running around with the Hulk's face over their mouths? And all of the rest of us?

 **Iron Dad:** avengers themed facemasks! we're giving them away outside of places where lots of people are coming and going - hospitals, big businesses that haven't shut down, places like that

 **Green Bean:** So that's just. Going to be a thing, then.

 **Iron Dad:** hey, i take the philanthropy part of 'genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist' very seriously!

 **Angry Snowflake:** he does not, however, take the playboy part very seriously

 **Iron Dad:** anymore ;)

 **Angry Snowflake:** keep it up and even having me confined here for coronavirus isn't gonna keep you from having a dry spell

 **Spider Son:** no guys dont!!!!!

 **Hammer Time:** A DRY SPELL? PERHAPS I CAN BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE, MAN OF IRON AND SOLDIER OF WINTER!

 **Katniss:** fuck.

 **Hammer Time:** EXACTLY, FRIEND BARTON!


End file.
